hate it

ok treven invited me to go to japan with him in december. do you know how happy i was and excited. oh but nooo im too young to go to japan. oh no i cant be alone with a guy. not when i live in this house. ill be 18 in december, technicly ill be an adult so doesnt it seem kinda unfair to not let me go. i really want to go, and its not like im going there for the guys. or the guy himself, and im pretty sure he wouldnt want to rape me. im pretty fat, and on top of that im ugly so theres no problem there. but you know if i got to go just thinking about it makes me want to go run on my treadmill for ever and do bbc. the arizona trip doesnt do that, but the trip to japan makes me not want to eat or just sit down i want to run around till im skinny. which is great but the fact that im forbidden to go. makes it to where i dont want to do anything. i cryd soo much and is babyish of me to say that but you dont understand how much i just want to go there. how great it would be to be in a place that'l love me too. everyone here makes fun of me i have to lie sometimes just to make sure that ill have a friend or two. but in japan the one place thats known for its greatness would acept me with open arms. after i pay my sister back im ganna save money for my own place to live and a trip to japan with someone who speaks english and japanesse so ill be able to understand whats going on. wouldnt that piss my parents off yes it would oh god im soo doing it hell fucking ya

well lots to talk about but im watching an anime. a bloody one mmm yummy blood just jokeing about the ymmy part not the blood part. trever got me into and i just love watching well ok

love

katie

nada

well my cuzin justin has come over. hes really great, and he makes everything better. hes the first person who i feel at ease with. im so happy that hes part of my family even tho hes younger he still understands. we hung out for sometime today watched fireworks but not alot bc were doing more tomarow. how great is that, i bought a dress yesterday it bottons up and its black sorta gothic like i love it. and i bought another shirt its see threw but i can wear something under it its really cute. kenz hasnt txtd me back i hope shes ok. reading a great manga. i found a friend in japan. great huh i started talking to her today and yay she lives there. i cant wait to start using my camera, im ganna take cute piks. aunt lorrie called shes doing ok, but i hope shes happy i love her soo much. i learned that grama beckstead loved to sow. she could sow anything and was really great at it. i wish that i was a better grand daughter to her. and i wish i visted her more. if i knew she was ganna die so soon i would of done anything to be with her all those years instead of fearing the ear eks. i wish i could tell her im sorry, i know that it doesnt make it better but that i really did want to see her. i thought about her alot, before and after her death. its been a couple years so yea. im always afraid that something mite happen to someone i know im a worry wort. i cant wait for twilight its so great. and soon ill buy pants to wear. maybe just sweat pants since I'm so fat. i wish i could just flick my finger and be skinny but it doesnt work like that. its my fault for eating and its my fault for being lazy. i just am so tired in the morning that i cant do my excersizes and then theres larua whos always bugging me i dont know why but i get so pissed. and it really hurts her feelings and it makes me feel bad that sometimes i think im a bad aunt. i love manga iv read 5 so far in the past couple weeks maybe more bc i read fast and go threw them quick. i hope to read as meny as there are out there. i want to own them as well.

well i have to sleep so farewell

love katie

hmm lately

ok i went to the frays concert sat. and it was sooo hot that i thought i was ganna die. The day b4 that kenz slept at my house. and we got up at 9 am just to go to her house for no reason. and they made me wear a very short sleeve shirt! i hate my arms so it was hell. when her mom droped us off at the concert we were there early and it didnt star till after 7 and we got there around 5:30 grr and i think it was the hottest day of the year so far. Its a wonder i didnt get a sun burn weird huh. the first band was meese they were great, the secound was somthing like john mankin but its longer and i think the first name is diff. The frays singing started when it was really dark out and it was awesome. It was my first concert and for some reason i wasnt nervouse ususaly id be sick to my stumic weird huh. but it was fun almost. i bought the fray sun glasses.

the twilight convention is almost here im nervouse as hell. I guess i have to buy a dress but im sooo fat itl look nasty on me. and skool is almost here my plan of dieting till im skinny kinda died. its mostly my fault but when ppl say it looks like im lossing weight i lose the power to work more. I simply give up i guess im weird like that i want ppl to not notice.

jess already bought the new moon movie tickets that come with a party at the grad place and a twi goodie bag kool huh. and were ganna see it at midnight and the next day with all her friends awesome huh.

well i hate love, i dont want it, but need it.

the truth

valentines day is vain day evil day so its now vain day
and heres a great saying if i just eat one ill want to eat them all so none at all
i got them from skip beat a great manga its tought me so much and i wish to gain more knowledge from it..
im watching a tv show called vampire high it great, and im reading a manga abt a girl who falls in love with a vampire but he wants her blood so it makes her sad so shes going to go away (shes his secretary and he doesnt want love so he just drinks from her and its soposed to be such a great ectisy, but she just loves him so much and he cant get ride of his thirst with just anybodys blood he just wants hers it feds his thirst) (i hope hes falling in love with her)

but i truely know that love is a lie.. that no one will ever love me the way i need them too. i have ben forsaken to a like of hell for past crimes that i had to controle over. i am forever chained to what iv done, forwhich there is no forgivness and ill die a death thats not worth its time. my only wish i to live for ever. this is my only wish my only thing i will ask for if i was given 1 wish. i would do absolutely anything for it and i mean it. i dont care if i have to live in pain everyday or be a slave. if it means liveing forever i shall do watever means i have to. but thats just it is there a forever or even a chance for it. is there such a thing has vampire, or the fountin of youth. i fear death, i fear it so much that iv tought myself to stop thinking. i mean it i just turn off. click and everythings gone. this is the most terrible thing for me i sometimes slip and it frezzes me and its so terrible that i forget to breath and then the tears come and this horrible feeling overcome me. and my life goes into a hellish time.

if possible i want to live forever, i will do whatever means i have to for it. be it pain, loneliness, or slave i dont really care as long as i get it then there is nothing more id ask for.

if your laughing at what im saying just think can you take that possible death. be it heaven or hell or neither if we die and were gone. i mean really gone, our thoughts you your self gone. can you deal with that. i cant so if someone can grant my wish ill be whoever you want me to be do whatever you want me to anything as long as its in my power and if not i shall force it to be in my power to be able to....

i swear by my own soul

love katie

idk

iv been feeling really down lately.. i mean tears, loneliness, bored, and stuff like that. like nothings worth doing, but i still want to do them. and iv lost the drive to work out everyday... my goal is lost, and i ruined it myself. im a terrible friend and person.

im re-reading skip beat its going good.
cant wait for twilight tour.
and basicly im just lonely, well iv lost the drive to even hang out with ppl. iv lost it a long time ago. where even getting invited to stay at a friends house makes me quiver of fear. and im almost 18... and its soo pathetic i dont look like and almost 18 year old. i look like a fat fat middle skooler like yea how gay is that.. thats why i wanted to get skinny but when someone notice that iv lost wheight i lose it and i dont want to do it anymore. the more they notice the less im ganna a do it. maybe i should ask everyone to not say it, that they can see me losing wheight but to just tell me im fat everyday so ill get the urg to run on my tread mill till i cant breath good thats what ill do thanks blog..


love katie

mkay

well iv been on another roller coaster of events lol. lets see im just ganna tell everything i can, but it most likely isnt in order so yea. ok the 4th of july was ok. I had txtd caitlen to see how she is and she and tyler broke up i was soo happy. shes back with taylor yup yup. back in middle skool i was practicly in love with tyler so yea. and him being the first guy to tell me he likes me makes it great too but were just friends. so on 4th of july i went to the park where the fair is and had fun. we mostly spent it at jack and aprils tent thing. awesome!! then we watched fireworks. tyler was working so i looked on my mobile internet for a pick of fireworks so he gets to see them :). the 5th we did fireworks it was great there wasnt alot since we had these from last year but thats ok. i tryd to give my kittens away that didnt work out grr. they are stinky and pood all over my floor i wish to just leave them in a box somewhere that mean i know. but grrr i hate them now. im getting ready for our twilight conv i cant wait its awesome. kenz and i are doing weell. i cant wait to see sarah i miss her soo much shes a great friend. i survived high skool bc she and jacob were there for me. sad part is jacob hasnt called maybe he forgot me how sad....
well not alot to say my diet isnt going as planed but tomaorw im starting over im ganna get up and exersize (treadmill and bbc) until i cant breath yes thats my plan

i hope to get to size small lol :) but i want to lose from 5-20 asap mkay well wish me luck

love katie