Iv been down lately

I think ever since he came back iv been lazy. I find that i don't want to do anything. Its my own fault for walking away. But he did not deserve my love. If he truly wanted me he would have come for me by now. Iv learned to never count on a man, he only lets you down. At time i do wish i had someone but than i don't want to become broken again. Just this pass week iv lost three friends. Three very close friends. Its been hard but its me who is pushing them away. They give me an excuse and i use that against them. Maybe deep down i understand that i could possibly be all alone for the rest of my life. But than i want to fight that thought. There isn't anything more scary than being alone. But i know i can and will do it if it comes to it. Because we all die alone were brought into this world as one and we go out as one. Sometimes i find it hard living but i could never take away my own chances at life. I am so very afraid of what will happen after i am gone. Will i not exists anymore? or is there an after life? is there immortal life if so i wish to have it. Not that i would want to be selfish but there are many great reasons for why.

iv also been having trouble with my wisdom teeth its a pain but i know how badly pain can become. so i say its at a 3 and a 1/2. Im afraid to go to a dentist tho. o.0 it will also cost allot for which we do not have enough money to pay for it. My father says the longer i wait there more a chance il have of dieing. he says people die of tooth infection. That could be a cause of my small liver failure. scary dont you think

why??

Why is it so hard to let go?
why do i keep asking for more pain?
why cant i move on why is he always in my mind
its like im stuck on replay and its all a game
but its not i love him so much and this sucks
bc when i was with him i always cried
but i had never been so happy
all i wanted was to always be in his arms
i miss kissing him huging him laying in his arms
god i miss him
all i wanted was to see him more bc when i seen him there was no worries
or ever a call i love his voice sigh.....
what can i do

eh

theres a poem contest and i want to enter it but i havent writen a poem in a long time. and i simply dont want it to be about all that bull shit that those idiots write about all the time ahhh he left shes gone life cant go on wtf idiots. sorry lol lets hope i can come up with something lol

bad day

yesterday i fell down the stairs sigh. hurt my leg my arms and my head. silly right im almost 20 and im still falling down the stairs. well i blame the water and flip flops. lol. been really down since dylan is gone again. cant help it everyday i wish for him. and everyday im reminded im not worth it :( it hurts so much but i have to try right i told him id try. because i want him happy and i couldnt make him happy oh how i love him..... well im thinking i might just have to leave. i mean utah you know find a place a job maybe get my licence first XD and a car than just drive away and never look back. I love those kind of storys shes pregent runs away from home living in the car finds a job and stays falls in love sigh. why cant life be that way yes its hard but thats what makes us who we are supposed to be...

to wish for something that will never happen
or wish that it never happend?

love katie

grr face

I keep thinking about him my ex. Sigh at least it doesnt hurt as bad as it did before. I guess you learn to live with heartache sigh. i miss him so much.... is that bad to miss him and love him so much that everything else doesnt matter. i hope one day he will find happiness from my actions i most likely could never make him happy no matter how much i loved him love him. I just wish he would of done everything possible to be with me even if it was hard even if it ment lonelyness he would of still been mine.sigh
my sister wanted to know if i was still talking to him i wanted to cry.... love sucks when you have to push them away for there own good i want the best for him the very best. If that ment me not being in his life than id do it. it sucks tho i wish that he would just come over grab me and never let go but that wont happen. Happily ever after is a lie. You dont get the perfect man, bc he leaves. You dont get a happy ending bc there are none. and fairy tails are better kept to the pages of the books.

But if i had one wish id wish for him,
if i had one last kiss, id save it for him,


love katie

i still care

i still care about him.. iv ruined it but at least he will be happy. He was one of those few guys who were good. there arnt that meny if i could of kept him all to my self i would of.

im going to see the movie that iv wanted to see with him since febuary the cowboys and aliens. lets hope i dont cry all i wanted was to do that with him lol.

i love him always lets seee how long itl hurt forever but there will be others but it wont be the same. and this time im not looking for forever i gave that up

gaia

ok im hooked on these games on gaiaonline.com sure maybe there lame but hey i cant help my self.

then, now

My ex who i love dearly is gone. He was my longest relationship. The best one iv had so far. With him i was less shy. I got to try new things, do new things. I'm thankful for that for him. He was in my life for only a while. Id never been so happy. I felt less alone and it was a wonderful feeling while it lasted. I hope that i can find someone like him. Maybe a little diff you know XD. But i do love who he is everything about him was wonderful. Even the stuff i hated, sure i didn't want him to change i just wanted him to be closer to me. And in doing that i think that might be the main reason i lost him. But im told to think of it this way "He Lost You" meaning me. I know its nothing special but hey at least i tr-yd. I do get hot tempered but that's because it runs in the family. We hurt, we cry, we bitch, and moan about everything. Its who we are. On a brighter note i know what i want right now. I want a job, i want money, a car. And soon hopefully ill find someone who wants me to. :) life isn't easy for me im shy, and i hardly get out of the house since i was a little girl. Im afraid of people walk away, so many have done that. And so i guess im hard on my bf's past and mostly likely future ones. Were all looking for that one special person and when they walk away its hard. I know he left but i wasn't his most special girl. Im someone else s most special girl. :) im not giving up on finding him my new most special man. I wonder tall or short XD i do love Irish men lets see what happens.


Love,

Katie